Don’t speak, ever: How my first high school crush ended in a matter of seconds.

“Don’t Speak” is an iconic song for any current 20-something who grew up during the late 1990s to early 2000s. Explains why I will forever forgive anything ridiculous Gwen Stefani or No Doubt does.

That very song can be attributed to the reason for why it’s currently lodged into my brain on replay as I coyly remember the day I first hoped someone wouldn’t speak.

It was the first day of 9th grade history class. He was tall. He was blonde. He was Ryan Gosling if he somehow materialized in front of me to profess his undying love to me. My friends and I instantly gathered together at our joined desks to discuss the matter on all our minds: Who was this new, hot guy?

We were at that age when the terms”boy crazy” or “boyfever” were what I proudly thought of myself as, and I was ready to pounce on this blonde guy. One of girls would make it out of this catfight unscathed.

But first, we wanted to know his name. I was already planning to scribble his name and mine in hearts all over my notebook when he walked over to our desks and sat down. And then he spoke.

Oh, how he spoke.

It was if Ryan Gosling and Larry the Cable Guy had a love-child, and this was the guy who stood in front of me.

It was what he said that killed me. And no, I don’t remember a thing he said to me that entire year.  I swear he had nothing but moths rattling around in his brain or working 90-year-old elves stringing his thoughts together.

In my mind we had already gone on our first date and completely ended our relationship. So much for being “Prince Charming”.

Funny, I had just bought the cutest t-shirt with a saying that miraculously fit this moment better than any I would have until college. “You’re much cuter with your mouth shut”. What a harsh, yet very appropriate shirt for a 13-year old, am I right? I wore it so many times after that.

This should be the point of my post where I condemn my indiscreet shallowness as a teen, but I don’t want to.

“I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.”  –Jane Austen

Hey, I’m only human. We all have our standards.

So were my standards entirely too high back then? Pshhh, no. Maybe it’s because I’ve always had a sort of weak spot for intelligent men (that science nerd in me always seems to show whenever I attempt to re-enter the dating scene) or because I naturally attracted to a guy I can talk about technology with.

Whatever the reason may be, psychological, environmental, or personal preference, it took me approximately 10 seconds to realize,” Pass!” when I was 13.

I would like a scientific explanation for the rules of 10 second attraction.  Freud’s not around to analyze my taste in men, so are one of the Kardasian’s available? - I want you to be completely honest with me as long as you're only pointing out my strengths.


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